Daily Post & Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge: Inchoate

          The Daily Post: Inchoate 

       

           Blogging from A to Z April 2018 Challenge

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines the adjective inchoate as being only partly in existence or operation or imperfectly formed or formulated.

This word is very interesting to me and fits into two aspects of my life. As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict diagnosed with bipolar affectation disorder with depression that often is deep and long, I feel as though I am inchoate. You see when I am deep in my disease of alcoholism and addiction, often brought on by my mental illness issues, I feel as though my existence is nonexistent. Does this make sense?

As a gay man who knew at the age of six that he was different and has had many struggles over the years, I have also felt as though I was imperfectly formed mentally and otherwise. However, when I became strong in my faith in my Higher Power whom I choose to call God, I realized that I am not imperfectly formed. I am just how God intended for me to be. I am a 51-year-old gay man that has been married to his husband for over 17 years, with seven dogs and I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 21 years. All of this along with my demons of alcoholism and addiction and the mental illness are just facets of my life for which I ask God to continue to help me remain clean and sober just for today, while asking for his grace to be over me at all times.

The second aspect is my writing. I love to write and have many things that I can write about. The issue is that because I do not write every day or as much as I would like my writing may sometimes be inchoate. Yet writing is an art form that improves with time and content. I am a personal writer, I have some pretty strong political opinions that for some reason have held back on, and I am not afraid to share who am with any because my story may actually help someone else struggling in the same areas.

This is what is in “My Rattled Cage” today, thanks for stopping by!!

 

The Daily Post – Lecture

This post is part of The Daily Post – 2/13/2018.

As a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict I cannot tell you how many times I heard the lecture from my husband,  family, friends, my infectious diseases physician and mental health professionals about my needing to quit.

My husband’s lecture was always the normal ultimatum and threat of kicking me out of our house or sending me to jail.

My family and friend’s lecture was always about how I have so much to live for and all the things I would miss if I were to die of an overdose or alcohol poisoning.

My physician and mental health professional’s lecture was always about, you guessed it, how the alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse were affecting my physical and mental health. Along with this was the added reminder about how my alcoholism and cocaine addiction were going to take their toll on my HIV/AIDS viral load and T-Cell count. Which for all the abuse my body has taken just in the last 6 years, I am still non-detectable and my T-Cells are still above 700 – so I have been extremely lucky!

Do you ever lecture yourself? I bet you do, either aloud or silently. For me, my lecture to myself this time around was the best lecture of them all. You see I am a very faithful Catholic who truly believes that I have the best life coaches in my corner in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. While yes my faith has faltered at times, I always find my way back.

The most important thing that I can share in regards to recovery of any addiction is this. The individual entering into recovery can not be doing it for the wrong reasons – even though they may seem like the right reasons. For instance, we cannot enter recovery to please our family, friends, physicians, or our mental health professionals. We cannot enter recovery because of what we are afraid of losing. We must, as I did for the second time in 4 years, determine that we are “tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired”.  Then we must take the ever painstaking steps to work on our recovery. I am a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous  as well as being a member of Global Steps AA a video AA meeting group on the hosting site In The Rooms. These groups and programs continue to guide me through my continued recovery – because I want them to.

Four years ago today I began my first journey through recovery because of every single reason above six months after losing my job that I loved with the University Career Center at The University of Texas at San Antonio. I loved being clean and sober. My life was coming back together and I even went back to work at my beloved University of Texas at San Antonio with the Institute for P-20 Initiatives. In May 2016 I threw away 2 years and 3 months of being clean and sober because of life. The downward spiral just continued to through the summer. I was still working and loving my job of over one year and then on September 14th, 2016 I turned 50 and I have no idea what happened to cause the hurricane that was a comin. I visited my old haunts and got drunk off my butt and bought a whole mess of cocaine and then I was off to the races. I didn’t return to work until mid October because of continued illnesses being caused by my being off to the races.

The craziness continued and of course I lost my job with the university on February 16, 2017 for a different reason other than my addictions but in essence caused by them. Does that make sense?  I continued to enjoy, as I believed, all the drinking and drugging I was doing. In early April 2017 I attempted suicide by swallowing thirty trazodone pills while drinking heavily and doing coke. The attempt obviously did not work because folks are reading my writings. My Higher Power whom I choose to call God had and has different plans for me that are not meant for me to know.

I do know this, when I attended the ACTS Retreat 11/30 – 12/3 I meditated, I prayed and when it was all said and done I left my alcoholism and cocaine addiction on the Alter of the Tabernacle. This was on Saturday December 2nd. When I came home on Sunday I did walk to my store. I bought two 24 oz. cans of beer and a six pack of O’Doul’s Amber non alcoholic beer. That was the last day that I drank. On  the night of 12/3 I meditated and prayed for guidance and help with remaining clean and sober everyday moving forward. I am so proud and happy to say that the daily obsession and need to drink and or get high have left me. I am currently two months and 10 days clean and sober. I do it by reminding myself that JUST for TODAY I WILL REMAIN CLEAN and SOBER!!!

That is what is in My Rattled Cage today!!!!

 

 

The Daily Post – Conjure

This post is part of The Daily Post 2/12/2018.

I love this word conjure because it helps me to conjure up recipes, blog post ideas, and the best thing is I am also able to conjure up many different routes to take my seven dogs on their walks. But of the above I must say that conjuring up new recipes makes me feel like Winnifred Sanderson from the movie Hocus-Pocus played by Bette Midler.

When I was a teenager I moved out at the age of 17 and of course at that point if I was going to eat I had to teach myself to cook. Over the years as I have grown older, I am now 51, I have learned to conjure up and cook many more things in my repertoire. I can say that one of the things I like to do is make soups. Now most people have cookbooks which I do, or recipes that have been handed down for decades from grandma’s and aunts. I do have all of those, the only thing I use a recipe for is my banana bread because if you don’t follow it just right it will not come out correctly.

Often when I make my soups whether it be my cream of potato, my chicken and vegetable, or just a vegetable soup I tend to conjure it up in a very large pot like Winnifred because I also share with my neighbors. The other things that I’m known for are the different marinades that I conjure up for pork, chicken, beef and vegetables. I am a firm believer that you can use soda as a marinade on anything. My go to sodas are Dr Pepper, root beer, and any citrus type such as Sprite and orange soda. I also use fruit juices – orange juice, lemon juice and some of the kind of blend juices like pomegranate orange or something like that for pineapple orange juice. The marinades I conjure up begin with the base of either soda or juice and then whatever goes in goes in. I do have one particular spice blend that goes in and on every thing. It is Bolner’s Fiesta Uncle Chris’ Gourmet Steak Seasoning. It is absolutely the best and adds the best umami to anything you are conjuring up in your kitchen.

So as I was writing this I asked my husband Cruz, what is your favorite meal that I have made you over the years? Now mind you, this Wednesday on Valentine’s day we will celebrate our 17th anniversary. His first answer was pineapple upside down cake. I said that’s not a meal that’s dessert. He said it falls into a meal category. I said no, what is your favorite meal that I make you? He said meatloaf and mashed potatoes. That brought a smile to my face because this is another thing that I never used a recipe for to conjure up my moist delicious meatloaf. Sometimes I flip the switch and do something unusual. I like to add chorizo into my meatloaf. I have even made a Florentine meatloaf where the spinach was mixed in and baked in the meatloaf, this one was absolutely delicious although it was one time Cruz did not like it so much – but his mama did.

And yes, I am known for my pineapple upside down cake even though I do use a box mix and it comes out more delicious and does not taste like a normal box pineapple upside down cake. The secret is don’t use oil, use butter instead and no water as is on the box, but use the pineapple juice from your slices and Sprite or some other citrus soda.

So yes I do like to conjure up delicious dishes and desserts in my kitchen and I tell you the best feeling is when my mother -in-law calls me after she gets home from picking up dinner from our house and tells me how good a particular dinner was for her. If Cruz eats seconds, then I also know I have hit the jackpot with dinner!!

This is what is in My Rattled Cage today! Thanks for stopping by!