Tag Archives: depression

#SLS 4/19/20 – San Antonio 2 Fer

song-lyric-sunday

This week for #SLS Jim has prompted us with Home Town or City and this may be more challenging, because it is different from the usual prompts that has given us for Song Lyric Sunday.  Pick a place that you consider to be your home town or city, or some place that you relate to and then try to find a song that mentions it.

I have lived in San Antonio, Texas since September 8, 1990. Since that time I have lived life to the fullest to include making many mistakes and having really great milestones. I turned 30, 40, 50 and all the ages in between those milestones in San Antonio. I met the love of my life in the summer of 1997 and didn’t know it at the time because we lost touch until January 2001 when we picked up where we never left off after he called information to get my telephone number because he needed a friend, , and have been together for over 19 years. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life than my Cruzer!!!  I earned my B.A. and M.A. in Communication both at The University of Texas at San Antonio.

Have I had my struggles in San Antonio, yes I have especially with alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. Learning that I was bipolar and have managed through years of deep depression. I have thrived not just survived living with HIV/AIDS since January 1997 (over 23 years). Now I am living through the strongest recovery from alcoholism and addiction than I have felt – there is just something different about this time around.

So, today I have chosen Tanya Tucker’s San Antonio Stroll  and Bob Wills’ San Antonio Rose. 

Lyrics
When I was a child down in South Caroline
Soon as Saturday sun went on down.
My folks and sister would go and leave me home all alone,
Going to that big square dance in town.
Well my old radio would play that old opry show,
So I never got lonesome or blue.
I’d fall asleep in my chair and dream that I was right there,
Just singing the whole night through.
When my folks would come home, they’d be humming a song,
Mama’d smile and say: “Child, don’t you know,
“There ain’t a thing in this world to make you fall in love girl,
“Like the San Antonio Stroll?”
Well the day finally come when my mama said, “Hun,
“It’s ’bout time you came with us as well.”
Well, I had me a time, yes, I danced all the night,
Till they rang that ol’ cracked-midnight bell.
Then the lights went down low, the fiddler picked up his bow,
And he played something stately and slow.
And my sister Eileen and her husband-to-be,
They held hands and began to stroll.
I’ve been away for a while, but it still brings a smile,
When I think of the way that it goes.
Now I’ll sing it to you just so we both can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Yes, I’ll sing it to you just so we all can do,
That old San Antonio Stroll.
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Peter Noah

 

San Antonio Rose
Deep within my heart lies a melody
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as the blue up above
A moonlit pass that only she would know
Still hears my broken song of love
Moon in all your splendor know only my heart
Call back my rose, rose of San Antone
Lips so sweet and tender like petals falling apart
Speak once again of my love, my own.
Broken song, empty words I know
Still live in my heart all alone
For that moonlit pass by the Alamo
And Rose, my Rose of San Antone
Deep within my heart lies a melody,
A song of old San Antone
Where in dreams I live with a memory
Beneath the stars all alone
It was there I found beside the Alamo
Enchantment strange as…
Source: LyricFind

#AtoZChallenge2020 – New Attitude & Never Give Up

N2020

So this week has been a crazy week and so I am behind three days. Today I will be posting for the letters “N”, “O” and “P”. All in separate posts by the way. For the letter “N” for the #AtoZChallenge I have chosen one of my favorite songs by Miss Patti Labelle,  New Attitude.

This song has always been one of my anthem, especially when I have gone through a really rough patch with alcoholism or cocaine addiction. It is so important that when a person falls into relapse or multiple relapses that each time they come back with new and stronger resolve and attitude regarding their recovery.

Often times addiction, alcoholism, depression, or any other host of mental or physical health issues can cause us to lose hope and feel defeated. I know from experience that it is so important to work hard at having the ability and wherewithal to never give up. That is why I have also seen For King and Country’s  Never Give Up as another one of my anthems.

You can find the lyrics by clicking on the song titles. That’s what’s in  My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

 

#AtoZChallenge 2020 – Chain Breaker

C2020
For today’s #AtoZChallenge I have chosen  Chainbreaker by ZachWilliams. Such an important song for those struggling with alcoholism, addiction, depression, being bipolar or any type of personal issue that keeps you chained down.
That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

Lyrics
If you’ve been walking the same old road for miles and miles
If you’ve been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies
If you’re trying to feel the same old holes inside
There’s a better life
There’s a better life
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
We’ve all search for the light of day in the dead of night
We’ve all found ourselves worn out from the same old fight
We’ve all run to things we know just ain’t right
And there’s a better life
There’s a better life
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify, testify
If you believe it
If you receive it
If you can feel it
Somebody testify
If you’ve got pain
He’s a pain taker
If you feel lost
He’s a way maker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
If you need freedom or saving
He’s a prison-shaking Savior
If you’ve got chains
He’s a chain breaker
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jonathan Lindley Smith / Mia Fieldes / Zach Williams
Chain Breaker lyrics © Essential Music Publishing

I will not be shaken!!!!

I watch the news once a day, normally in the morning between 6 & 7, because if you watch more than that you are only seeing regurgitation of the exact same stories and film at noon, 4, 4:30, 5, 6, 9 and 10.

Every single media outlet is in my opinion inciting more fear, stress, depression and triggers for individuals over the COVID-19 pandemic.

It also does not help that the current occupant of the White House must be in front of the cameras everyday with the people whose noses are so far up his tail and they are constantly praising his leadership!

I have not seen a true president, he has not calmed the country nor the economy down throughout the pandemic thus far. He continues his xenophobic ways by calling COVID-19 the Chinese virus, which does nothing but cause more xenophobic behavior in our country.

COVID-19 does not discriminate as we can see, it is unfortunate that the first truly reported hotspot was in Wuhan China. We must be better than we have been and remember that “BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, THERE GOES I!!!”

San Antonio is about to be pretty much shut down in the effort to prevent the spread of this horrific virus. Cruz and I are okay with this. Will we hurt financially, possibly but we both have our own underlying health issues and need to be careful. We will continue to live our normal lives and keep as much of our routines as possible.

I also lovingly say, if HIV/AIDS hasn’t killed me in over 23 years and my alcoholism and cocaine addiction off and on over the last nine years hasn’t killed me – no COVID-19 is gonna kill me either!!! I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!!

Cruz and I send our thoughts and prayers to everyone everywhere being affected in any way because of COVID-19

That’s what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!!

#LifeHappens

So, I haven’t posted a regular blog post since July 19th, 2019. If you have read my blog in the past, you know that it is a very personal blog having to do with many topics most of which deal with my struggles with relapse and journeys into recovery from alcohol abuse and cocaine abuse.

This post is no different. Since July I have definitely had my struggles with alcoholism. That being said, I have not had a desire nor have I used cocaine since November 2018.

I currently have 70 days sober and I believe that this time is very different because of some very stressful things that happened to my husband of 19 years. In October we learned that he had 85% or higher blockage in three arteries which led to triple bypass surgery on December 17th, 2019. I handled the surgery well and Cruz came out with awesome results. The surgery took less time than expected and he was released from the hospital in 4 days.

I was fine for the first week and then on Christmas Eve while Cruz was starting his recovery at his mother’s for the next six weeks, I had the bright idea to go out to a bar at 11:30PM. I did not go to the bar to hook up, I just needed to be around people, and I did close the bar. When I left I ended up getting Cruz’s truck stuck in a ditch, no damage to the vehicle but I had to have it winched out the next morning. I did not go see him and his mother on Christmas Day because of the shame and guilt I felt for going out and the truck issue.

I did go see him on his birthday 12/30 and we did our Christmas and his birthday. I took him and his mother a full spaghetti dinner. On New Year’s Eve I had vowed I was not going to drink because I had to open my Dollar General Store at 8AM on New Year’s Day. Well that did not work out and I never made it to work and was terminated. When I went to drop off my store keys on 01/02, as I was pulling out of the parking lot I was so upset and not paying attention that I hit a light pole as I was leaving and did damage the front right headlight and hood area of Cruz’s truck. I was not drinking when this happened.

I again isolated for two days and drank like a fish because of shame and guilt. On January 3rd, I had my last drink and I have been working a strong program. I am making online meetings at In The Rooms and I have found a new home group LAMBDA Group that I started attending on January 09th and saw someone I have known for years pick up their 20 Year Chip. I am loving this group and make a face to face at least once a week. After that first LAMBDA Group meeting I went to Luby’s where I had worked before and had applied recently and spoke to the General Manager. He Hired me and I started on 1/10/2020.

Since this time Cruz has returned home to me and his babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and Stitchy. He doing very well and has since retired from his job with Christus Santa Rosa Children’s Hospital of San Antonio where he has been employed as Medical Laboratory Chemistry Technician for 45 years. I am about to embark on a new position with Qualfon on March 30 because I have found that my body is no longer cut out for the strenuous work involved in the cafeteria back of the house business.

Someone said in a meeting the other day that another person can not keep you sober. While this is true, I can tell you that another person can help just by being there. Since Cruz has been home and even when he was working and was off I do not have those depressive feelings of loneliness and desire to drink or even use. I cannot explain it and no it is not because he can stop me, if I really wanted to I would find a way.

So today I am blessed to have 70 days sober, for the most I part am extremely healthy  and I am looking forward to my new adventure and hopefully writing more as I will be working a stable schedule of M-F 7Am – 4PM.

That’ what’s in My Rattled Cage, thanks for stopping by!!

#AtoZChallenge & #1LinerWeds – 4/17/19

one-liner-wednesday-badge-2018-19

#AtoZChallenge & #1LinerWeds 4/17/19

I am so excited that today my journey begins to a mouth full of new pearly whites by having my remaining teeth removed, but enough about me!!

“O” is for OVERCOMER!!! Thriving, not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years, being bipolar and dealing with off and on bouts of depression and of course my issues with chronic relapses and return to recovery – I know that YES I AM AN OVERCOMER!!!!

 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

A to Z 2019

“B” is for BRAVE

#AtoZChallenge 2019 Tenth Anniversary blogging from A to Z challenge letter B

10th Anniversary Blogging from A to Z – “B”

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As many folks know, I am an open book about every aspect of my life. I am willing to share my EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE about my struggles with chronic relapsing and returns to recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. I freely discuss my struggles with being bipolar and the depression that can be debilitating and baffling at times.

I gladly discuss my being a very proud, open and out gay man that has been with his partner for over 18 years (yes, someone has put up with me for that long besides my family). We have our struggles but that is life. I love talking about and sharing pictures of our five beautiful four-legged babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and my boy Stitchy!!!

I am never a hesitant to discuss the fact that I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years and all of the issues I have had with medication regimens and how I have been able live openly with the disease  and never be ashamed to share that fact because it is not what makes me who I am. All of these are things that are part of who I am.

Here is a where the word BRAVE comes into this post. All the time, I hear people tell me that I am so brave to be so open and honest as an open book. I do not see it as being BRAVE, I see it as being my authentic self!!

For your enjoyment Sara Bareilles’ “BRAVE!!!!!

 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

 

A to Z 2019

#FOWC – Radar

ra·dar: /ˈrāˌdär/ – noun

  1. A system for detecting the presence, direction, distance, and speed of aircraft, ships, and other objects, by sending out pulses of high-frequency electromagnetic waves that are reflected off the object back to the source.

  2. An apparatus used for radar. Plural noun: radars

  3. Used to indicate that someone or something has or has not come to the attention of a person or group.

Related imageAs a person who not only suffers from being bipolar with depression but also has struggled through chronic relapses and forays into recovery, I always believed that my drinking or using was going on under the RADAR unless of course I was truly drunk or otherwise. Only a true sick person would not see that their behaviors when using never change and they always on their loved ones radar.

On Saturday 3/16/2019 I picked up a new 60 day chip, my 60 days was actually on 3/9 but I wanted to get my chip during our monthly BBQ at my home group The Goliad Group. It is so great to have people in your life that never judge you no matter how many times you fall and get back up!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

fowc

#FOWC

#FOWC – Blot

Related imageSome days I feel just like this ink-blot painting full of a variety of colors, excitement and happiness!!!

Related imageOther days, I feel as though the phantom BLOT has taken over me when my manic episodes are in play and the depression is trying to creep in – in turn trying to trigger some use of alcohol or other substance.

My goal daily is to keep the phantom blot at bay by sticking to my routines that work, and I have found that this is the most important key of my day!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

#FOWC – Health (Physical, Emotional and Mental)

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Areas of Physical, Mental and Emotional Health

This post is a little late because I have just been lazy and tired the last couple of days. Part of that is because of dealing with a situation that threw me for a loop on Sunday morning at my normal parish church St. Cecilia Catholic Church in San Antonio, Texas. That is a different story and a different post.

When I saw this prompt, I thought how appropriate considering the weekend that I had had. I am very honest and open about being bipolar, fighting depression, recovering alcoholic and addict while also thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years. These aspects of my life make it vey clear that I have to be cognoscente and diligent in how I manage these three areas of my health. My physical, emotional and mental health have to be at the forefront of everything that I do.

I wish I could tell you which one of these three are the most important, but the truth is that everyday it varies. One day the depression can be so bad that the mental health takes center stage. Another day I can be so drained and tired even though I have done nothing that my physical health takes center stage. Then there are the days that the feelings are so manic that the emotional health takes center stage. Very seldom do all three aspects of my health take center stage together like the actors in a play at the end when they take their bows.

What I do know is that even when one aspect is taking center stage all three must be attended to or else my self will runs riot which is the reason I have had such a struggle with chronic relapsing over the years. My physical health is best when I am compliant with taking all of my medications as directed; when I exercise whether it be doing yard therapy or walking the dogs – which is therapy in itself, making sure that I am eating right. My current goal is to maintain my healthy weight of 180lbs and holding onto my size 34 waist – yes, I am bit vain when it comes to my weight. The highest I have been was almost 260lbs and I have fluctuated over the years with my most weight loss coming when I was deep into my addiction.

My mental health and emotional health while be separate, they are also extremely connected to each other. In order to maintain my mental health, again, I need to be compliant with my mental health medications. We recently simplified my regime so that I am not taking so many pills but an taking the exact same dosage. I also have to make sure that I am making all of my appointments with my chemical dependency therapist Stacy Jouffray and my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez. Another area that assists me with my mental health is my blog because it is very cathartic for me when  I share my experience, strength and hope with others through my writing.

My emotional must be maintained by having healthy relationships with my sisters, their husbands, my nieces and their children and families. I need to work at being better at calling my father who will be 79 in April. I work daily on my relationship with my husband of over 18 years along with his mother who love as though she were my own mother. Maintaining close relationships with my best friend Yoli and my friends the Sisters of The Holy Spirit, my other friends that I may not see often but we have been friends for 20 years now. I also need to maintain my relationships with my fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous. My most important relationship has got to be the one that I have with my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.  If I am working on all three of these along with my mental and physical health then every day I can state this with certainty “JUST FOR TODAY, I WILL REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER!!!”

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

Fitness Word Map

The ranges of Physical Health

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The Wheel of Emotions

 

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Ranges of Mental Health

fowc

#FOWC – Health