Tag Archives: bipolar

#AtoZChallenge & #1LinerWeds – 4/17/19

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#AtoZChallenge & #1LinerWeds 4/17/19

I am so excited that today my journey begins to a mouth full of new pearly whites by having my remaining teeth removed, but enough about me!!

“O” is for OVERCOMER!!! Thriving, not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years, being bipolar and dealing with off and on bouts of depression and of course my issues with chronic relapses and return to recovery – I know that YES I AM AN OVERCOMER!!!!

 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

A to Z 2019

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“B” is for BRAVE

#AtoZChallenge 2019 Tenth Anniversary blogging from A to Z challenge letter B

10th Anniversary Blogging from A to Z – “B”

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As many folks know, I am an open book about every aspect of my life. I am willing to share my EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE about my struggles with chronic relapsing and returns to recovery from alcoholism and addiction to cocaine. I freely discuss my struggles with being bipolar and the depression that can be debilitating and baffling at times.

I gladly discuss my being a very proud, open and out gay man that has been with his partner for over 18 years (yes, someone has put up with me for that long besides my family). We have our struggles but that is life. I love talking about and sharing pictures of our five beautiful four-legged babies Crissy, Little Bitty, Zailey, Sadie and my boy Stitchy!!!

I am never a hesitant to discuss the fact that I have been thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years and all of the issues I have had with medication regimens and how I have been able live openly with the disease  and never be ashamed to share that fact because it is not what makes me who I am. All of these are things that are part of who I am.

Here is a where the word BRAVE comes into this post. All the time, I hear people tell me that I am so brave to be so open and honest as an open book. I do not see it as being BRAVE, I see it as being my authentic self!!

For your enjoyment Sara Bareilles’ “BRAVE!!!!!

 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

 

A to Z 2019

#FOWC – Radar

ra·dar: /ˈrāˌdär/ – noun

  1. A system for detecting the presence, direction, distance, and speed of aircraft, ships, and other objects, by sending out pulses of high-frequency electromagnetic waves that are reflected off the object back to the source.

  2. An apparatus used for radar. Plural noun: radars

  3. Used to indicate that someone or something has or has not come to the attention of a person or group.

Related imageAs a person who not only suffers from being bipolar with depression but also has struggled through chronic relapses and forays into recovery, I always believed that my drinking or using was going on under the RADAR unless of course I was truly drunk or otherwise. Only a true sick person would not see that their behaviors when using never change and they always on their loved ones radar.

On Saturday 3/16/2019 I picked up a new 60 day chip, my 60 days was actually on 3/9 but I wanted to get my chip during our monthly BBQ at my home group The Goliad Group. It is so great to have people in your life that never judge you no matter how many times you fall and get back up!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#FOWC

#FOWC – Health (Physical, Emotional and Mental)

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Areas of Physical, Mental and Emotional Health

This post is a little late because I have just been lazy and tired the last couple of days. Part of that is because of dealing with a situation that threw me for a loop on Sunday morning at my normal parish church St. Cecilia Catholic Church in San Antonio, Texas. That is a different story and a different post.

When I saw this prompt, I thought how appropriate considering the weekend that I had had. I am very honest and open about being bipolar, fighting depression, recovering alcoholic and addict while also thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for over 22 years. These aspects of my life make it vey clear that I have to be cognoscente and diligent in how I manage these three areas of my health. My physical, emotional and mental health have to be at the forefront of everything that I do.

I wish I could tell you which one of these three are the most important, but the truth is that everyday it varies. One day the depression can be so bad that the mental health takes center stage. Another day I can be so drained and tired even though I have done nothing that my physical health takes center stage. Then there are the days that the feelings are so manic that the emotional health takes center stage. Very seldom do all three aspects of my health take center stage together like the actors in a play at the end when they take their bows.

What I do know is that even when one aspect is taking center stage all three must be attended to or else my self will runs riot which is the reason I have had such a struggle with chronic relapsing over the years. My physical health is best when I am compliant with taking all of my medications as directed; when I exercise whether it be doing yard therapy or walking the dogs – which is therapy in itself, making sure that I am eating right. My current goal is to maintain my healthy weight of 180lbs and holding onto my size 34 waist – yes, I am bit vain when it comes to my weight. The highest I have been was almost 260lbs and I have fluctuated over the years with my most weight loss coming when I was deep into my addiction.

My mental health and emotional health while be separate, they are also extremely connected to each other. In order to maintain my mental health, again, I need to be compliant with my mental health medications. We recently simplified my regime so that I am not taking so many pills but an taking the exact same dosage. I also have to make sure that I am making all of my appointments with my chemical dependency therapist Stacy Jouffray and my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez. Another area that assists me with my mental health is my blog because it is very cathartic for me when  I share my experience, strength and hope with others through my writing.

My emotional must be maintained by having healthy relationships with my sisters, their husbands, my nieces and their children and families. I need to work at being better at calling my father who will be 79 in April. I work daily on my relationship with my husband of over 18 years along with his mother who love as though she were my own mother. Maintaining close relationships with my best friend Yoli and my friends the Sisters of The Holy Spirit, my other friends that I may not see often but we have been friends for 20 years now. I also need to maintain my relationships with my fellows in Alcoholics Anonymous. My most important relationship has got to be the one that I have with my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.  If I am working on all three of these along with my mental and physical health then every day I can state this with certainty “JUST FOR TODAY, I WILL REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER!!!”

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!!

 

Fitness Word Map

The ranges of Physical Health

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The Wheel of Emotions

 

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Ranges of Mental Health

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#FOWC – Health

 

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 31st – Highlight

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Today is the last day of #JuJoJan and I had several hightlights in my blog this month. Since I go through really dry spells, one of favorite highlights is that I reached 50+ followers on January 24th.

While some would say that I am an attention hog, okay – I am! I was ecstatic when our #JuJoJan fearless leader Linda G. Hill liked and commented on my posts from the 26th and the 29th. The comment on the 26th I actually saw on my Twitter feed before I saw it on my Word Press notifications on my phone.

My greatest highlight from this month is that I began writing and sharing again about my struggles with depression, being bipolar, alcoholism and addiction. I am a firm believer that we never know who we are going to touch through our written word, spoken word and most definitely our actions. I am truly blessed to have this cathartic means of artistic ability through my writing. 

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

 

 

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 31st

Late: #JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 29th – Dirty

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Dirty, there can be so many connotations of the word which can be clean or dirty depending on your frame of mind. I often have a horribly dirty sense of humor that can make me the life the party but must be reined in at times depending on the company I am with.

Our house is always dirty because we have five dogs, no central air, wooden floors throughout and of course my depression and manic episodes tend to drain the energy out of me at most times, therefore I do nothing. But then there are other times that my manic episodes put me on a cleaning tear, and I don’t stop projects until I am done, to the detriment of some of my mental faculties.

When the alcoholism and addict in me come out, that is when I feel the dirtiest because that is when the lies and the self-disrespect, disrespect of my husband and my family all come into play. It is the worst way to live one’s life, yet unfortunately, those of us who suffer from these issues can dive right back in without any reservation. Currently I am on the driest run that I have had since I turned 50 in 2016. I t has been three weeks since my last drink and I feel great physically and mentally that we are getting there slowly but surely.

One of things that I am most proud of, is that I have thriving not just surviving with HIV/AIDS for 22 years as of today. Recently during my most recent bout with my issues I have been the most non-compliant patient with both my HIV meds and my mental health meds. I got to a point where I was just exhausted and tired of taking any medications and I didn’t care. Since my last episode on 1/9/19, I have been on a driving force to simplify all my medication regimens. I am working with my Infectious Diseases doctor Delia E. Bullock, with the Family Focused AIDS Clinical Treatment (FFACTS) Clinic with the University Health System of San Antonio along with my therapist Stacy Jouffray and my psychiatrist Dr. Cervando Martinez on a plan to drop me from a total of 12 pills a day to 4 pills a day. One Prezcobix and one Jucula for the HIV/AIDS along with one Depakote ER for the bipolar manic episodes and one Bupropion ER for the depression. I feel that these will be very positive in making sure that I remain compliant and I will continue to work my program to remain clean and sober.

As I work to be the best me that I can be, I will continue to work on keeping the dirty side me very much at bay and keeping the spiritually faithful individual that I am on the path to remain CLEAN and SOBER JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!

 

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 29th

#JusJoJan 2019 – Jan. 27th – Cathartic

cathartic2Cathartic” is defined as “providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions; causing catharsis.” And catharsis is defined as “the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.”

As someone who has been suffering through a deep depression for over two years, being bipolar, recovering alcoholic and addict – I tend to cry, scream and I am very good at expressing my emotions. I wish it was as cathartic as psychologists say it is. Often times, it is just the opposite because nothing gets purged and the emotions just get worse.

I am in the middle of a situation with my priest Father Edvin Rodriguez of St. Cecilia Parish in San Antonio, TX  because of a difference of opinion. He feels he is the dictator of the church and judges individuals and continues to run people out of the church and I believe he is our priest, spiritual advisor and not the dictator of our parish. Today when he came into Mass, I tried to speak to him and he raised his hand and stated “I don’t want to speak to you!” When this happened, I again was immediately horrified and, disappointed and offended. This man does not know why I was coming to him, it could have been a spiritual issue that I needed help with. Mass for me today was very emotional because of this and I cried throughout because I am saddened by the way this priest behaves. Crying in mass was not cathartic at all, but I know that Christ is with me and I will continue to pray for this priest and the parish family.

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I have been told often that I am funny. When people say that to me it reminds me of one of my favorite lines in one of my most favorite movies – Goodfellas – 

Henry Hill: Tommy, your funny!

Tommy DeVito: I’m funny how? Funny, Ha-ha or funny looking? Funny how?

I bring this up because for me, my sense of humor has always been cathartic. If I can make people laugh because of my one liner and my fun craziness, then it takes away from the non-funny craziness going on in my head. I have some very close friends that when we are together, I do tend to be the loud one, the one who wants to be the center of attention. I have been that way since I was a little boy, all I ever wanted was to be paid attention to, and even now at the age of 52 – I still want to be paid attention to.

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Finally, this blog has become the most cathartic thing in my life. I can pour out my heart and soul in this blog. I can be serious and write about my depression, addiction, alcoholism and anything else going on in my life. But I can also be lighthearted and funny if I want to. I can share my thoughts on whatever is in “My Rattled Cage” at any given moment. I am blessed that others in the blogosphere read my posts and follow me. I was very excited this week when I finally made it to 50 followers of my blog. While I am happy that others read my work and some enjoy my work, I truly do write for me because I can get so much off my chest and out my head!! Thank you to my followers and to all who visit this blog!!!

That’s what’s in “My Rattled Cage”, thanks for stopping by!!!

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#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 27th